• tabris@lemmy.world
    3·
    10 months ago

    I used to work in a new age shop that sold rock salt lamps. A woman came in one time to complain about the lamp she bought.

    Woman: My salt lamp was dusty and dirty.

    Me: Okay…

    W: So I took the rock salt off the base.

    Me: Hmm?

    W: And I washed it with hot soapy water.

    Me: Ah.

    W: And it just dissolved!

    Me: Yep, it’s salt.

    W: I want a refund.

    Me: laughs.

  • Oiconomia@feddit.de
    2·
    10 months ago

    Protip: If they have a lava lamp instead, you can take the lava lamp bottle out, unscrew the bottle cap and drink some lava lamp fluid.

    • Hedoking@lemmy.world
      2·
      10 months ago

      My stepbrother did this once. He kept saying his throat was dry and we found the empty lamp a week later. After rushing him to the hospital to treat his near-fatal injuries, we were saying our goodbyes only two months later…

      “Can I get you any thing?”, my heartbroken mother said as she stepped into the room.

      “Yeah… I’d lava another lamp…”

      Thoroughly disgusted, the rest of our family shuffled out of the room muttering bye. I stayed, as I could take a joke. Suddenly, a monstrous shart leaked out of his ass. “Oh God!!! NURSE” I screamed frantically. “Good Lord,” she gasped while grasping several bedpans. “He should be dead!” “Auuughooohyeh” My stepbro moaned. I looked on in horror as the red ass ham began to burn away and melt his gown and the now 30ish bedpans lining the walls. The poop accelerates. “Somebody get Dr. Kruger!!!” The many nurses exclaimed. At this point they were frantically shoveling shit out the window as I desperately tried not to get burned. After around 10 minutes, Dr. Kruger arrived. “GREAT HEAVENS!!! We’ll need Kevin for this.” He waded into the dookie and tossed my stepbrother into pit dug into ground. The poop accelerates. Suddenly, a wiry, greasy, crazed looking man appeared at the door. At this point, the floor was disintegrating, so he leaped over the many holes and started devouring the kaka. “HOLY HELL,” I shouted in surprise. “Actual Zombie” I began to lose feeling in my legs. However, Kevin vrrmed like a anteater and sucked that shit up harder than 10 year old me getting hit by a Ferrari! Kevin leaped out of the room and slurped up all the poo poo in the ditch. But… something was wrong. The poop accelerates. Kevin didn’t stop. Kevin crawled into my stepbrothers anus and licked it clean. Before he could reach his colon, somebody said “call the exorcist!” and the Poope himself came down from the heavens and uttered three holy words…

      “no u”

      Kevin’s body is forcibly expelled from my stepbrothers colon and writhes in pain. He began to slowly and excruciatingly crawl into his own anus. The legion of nurses surrounding him pick him up and toss him- no it, into a coffin. My stepbrother staggered to his feet and exclaimed “What a nice shit! I feel great now!” and left. Fortunately we live in Europe so we didn’t have to pay for anything. All the feeling returned to my legs, my stepbrother is taking care of his 13 kids, and Kevin is probably chilling in some SCP containment unit somewhere. Good times!

  • KillingTimeItself@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
    1·
    10 months ago

    my ass is installing linux on the first machine capable of having linux installed on it.

    You are not safe, there is nothing you can do to stop me.

    • Agent641@lemmy.world
      01·
      10 months ago

      Your tinder date brings you into their home. While they are having a shower, you grab their laptop to install Linux mint cinnamon on it, but the Ventoy ISO wont boot. The track pad is greasy and crusted up with yellow stuff. Screen hinge is cracked. You boot it up to get your bearings. Windows XP, service pack 1. No password. 1 GB RAM. 32 bit CPU. Super PC clean is running. Blatant malware. No antivirus in sight. Internet Explorer 6 lumbers to the foreground. Fifteen spyware toolbars visible. Popups start flooding the screen. You look at the desktop, its littered with zip files with random file names. The mouse cursor is a pirate with a wooden leg. The CPU fan loudens to an alarming volume even though there’s no programs running that you can see.

      Do you:

      • Continue and try to install a 32 bit version of linux

      • leave silently, unmatch them on tinder, and block their number

      • Leave, but not before performing a mercy killing on the laptop

  • Mr_Blott@lemmy.world
    01·
    10 months ago

    Right I’m confused.

    You’re in the bedroom but they go to the restroom

    Which fucking one are they in?

      • Mr_Blott@lemmy.world
        0·
        10 months ago

        You don’t live in your kitchen

        You don’t rest in your toilet

        Unless, like I say, throwing a whitey

        • Fudoshin ️🏳️‍🌈@feddit.uk
          1·
          10 months ago

          Oooooh it’s just Americans with their funny words for things.

          Obviously they mean lavatory, toilet, loo, shitter, bog, water closet, facilities, tile palace, WC, khazi, ceramic throne of dreams, privy, latrine, etc.

        • funkless_eck@sh.itjust.works
          1·
          10 months ago

          oh I finally get what you’re saying. You’re taking issue with calling that room “rest” room instead of “toilet”

          but seeing as “toilet” literally means “a small piece of cloth” - if we’re going to go down that path, why are you calling both the room and it’s commode a piece of cloth?