I resent people calling me, because I have no choice but to be rude or to be forced in to a conversation that takes all of my attention, but on their schedule

A text is the opposite of that. Treating it as if it were a conversation would make it just as annoying as a phone call

Wat? I have ADHD and I view texting completely different. It is not like a face to face convo, it’s more akin to email, but less formal. You reply when you have time, unless it is urgent.

You do need to figure out what is the difference between asynchronous and synchronous conversation.

I see texting as a method of asynchronous communication. I tell people, “If you need a fast reply from me, call, don’t text.”

It could be they just wanted to checkin and see how you were, not really looking to have a conversation. I think it really depends on what the opening text was.

My wife and I have a hierarchy:

• If you want a response right away, call
• If you want a response as soon as they’re not busy, text
• If you don’t care when you get a response, email

In addition, we use email when we have longer, more involved things to say, and texts to send a quick “I love you” or whatever.

If they wanted a real time conversation they would have called you. The nice thing about texting is that it’s a passive communication not an active one.

I have a friend who gets pissy with me when I text and don’t answer follow ups right away. So I decided to save him the pain and just don’t text him much anymore. His loss.

If I send someone a text, I don’t expect them to read or respond in any given timeframe. I don’t get to just demand their full attention on the spot, and I fully appreciate that they may not be in a position to hear or respond to their phone bleeping at them at any given moment.

EXCEPT

If someone sends me a text, and I respond to it within seconds, then yes, I expect them to treat it like a conversation.

I will never understand these people that hit send then immediately throw their phone out the goddamn window so any response no matter how fast stays on delivered for the next hour.

I also have ASD and I actually have the complete opposite view! I don’t like it when people text me expecting me to reply instantly, because I don’t feel like text conversations have a well-defined start and end. That bothers me in a “unfinished business” way. As in, if I respond immediately, and then they respond immediately, and so on and so forth, when does it end? Nobody really says goodbye in instant messaging anymore. I appreciate people who understand that I’m going to take my sweet time to respond, especially because I don’t use my smartphone often anyway (as it’s very distracting and can be a huge time sink for me).

I like to let all my friends know that if something is important or they want an imminent response, they should just call me instead. That way I don’t have that feeling that “the ball is in my court” after the call ends, i.e. that I need to check my phone and respond to something before someone arbitrarily decides it’s been too long and gets upset with me.

I am a “zillennial” (born in the late 90s), and one of the things I miss about the early days of the internet with stuff like MSN is the focus on statuses (online, busy, offline) and how accurate they were. If someone were marked as online, you knew they were on the computer at that very moment and it’s not just whatever status they had set on their smartphone or whatever.

The whole benefit of texting instead of calling is that it is an asynchronous form of communication. The conversation can continue while at the same time other things are happening. Since other things are happening, that means replies aren’t always prompt, and that the benefit.

If you want immediate replies, use a phone call instead. You know, the form of communication that is directly suited for that.

Not to mention that people don’t always have cell service. I take all weekend to reply to a text sometimes if I’m at home, because I don’t get service unless I drive to town.

Other people definitely feel like you do. Not me, I view texting as asynchronous, but a lot of people have expressed to me that they get frustrated when I don’t text back promptly.

I find the minimal obligation to respond immediately to text messages convenient and relieving. Perhaps it may help to consider text messages like emails instead of like chats. My first phone displayed texts like emails, so that’s how my brain treats them, despite the chat layouts of modern apps.

If I want to have a conversation with someone, I will either call them or meet up with them. As a general rule of thumb, if something requires urgency or more than a couple of texts to resolve, it should probably be a phone call.

I remember this being covered in a college engineering class. It’s an issue of synchronous vs asynchronous communication. In person, phone call, instant messaging are all synchronous with an expectation of a timely response. Email and text are asynchronous with an expectation of inconsistent and/or delayed response.

I know how I feel about a situation is often dictated by my expectations. Hopefully this is a useful mental model.

As someone who (I think it’s probably fair to say) doesn’t have ADHD (but possibly has something else diagnosable, though hasn’t sought a diagnosis), I’ll at least throw in my 2¢, just to explain why I don’t usually immediately answer texts.

It’s kindof… physically painful?.. to know something’s wanted from or expected of me. Social interaction (face-to-face, telephone, text, email, whatever) takes effort. I’d say I manage it quite well, but only by spending a lot of my time alone and completely not thinking about other people who I might possibly ever interact with. It’s how I “recharge.”

I don’t often get or send texts. But if I get a text while in “not thinking about people” mode, that gives me a lot of anxiety. If I get a text while I’m in “adulting and socializing” mode (like while I’m working or out shopping or even just in the presence of or in a conversation with humans in any capacity), the text is the thing that always sinks to the bottom of my priority queue.

So, if I answer a text, it’s probably going to be at the next point at which I’d otherwise be shifting contexts out of “socializing” mode and into “alone” mode. The end of the workday for instance.

That said, I basically never initiate text conversations. If I have a text conversation, it’s someone else who intiated the conversation. So perhaps this doesn’t quite fit your question. But also, as soon as I do respond, I remain responsive until the conversation ends.

Also, I’m a bit of a Luddite in general. So that might also have something to do with it.

Yes and no, depending on how each person views it. You cannot automatically assume it’s a conversation.

I’ve found living in a world of text communication to be toxic for mental health. I can’t keep up with all the communication channels unless I devote all my time to it. These things ought to serve us, not the other way round. I’ve almost completely abandoned email and was surprised to discover how much better I feel.