The president can only pardon those convicted of federal crimes. He was convicted of state crimes in New York state, and only the governor of New York can pardon those convicted of crimes at the state level.

Case in point.

12:34 is known as “simulation time” in my house, the time we notice the most out of sheer happenstance. Clearly the simulation has a hard time coming up with anything better when I look at the clock.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poe’s_law

Is there a non-paywalled link?

Ibuprofen and lots of water.